Are you trapped outside, looking in on those who have what you want? Perhaps you’re trapped inside, looking out on the freedoms of others. Consider your goals, your objectives, your reading list, your amazon wish list, your DVR; all representations of desires yet unfulfilled. My how much there is to do, to buy, to explore.
As toddlers we develop the novel concept of object permanence. We begin to understand that we are a persistent being and that objects exist independent of ourselves. As we become aware of objects, we learn of desire. The wanting of food, and then toys, slowly begins to command our waking attention. It matters not if the parent acquiesces, for a foundational modern truth has been established, it is the human’s role to desire. Should the desire be rewarded with that which was sought, a new desire will replace it.
Now, as we grow up, we are made fully aware of the infinite possibilities of life. What a gift, to be able to see the variation of life, to discover the paths which more closely align with one’s values and beliefs. But alas, these visions of paradise always seem to elude us, always on the other side of a shiny screen. We do not experience these visions, they always seem to evade our touch. So as your young mind develops, able to reconcile more sophisticated concepts, so to do your desires.
This is the capitalism illusion, the lie that something better is just beyond what you currently see, experience, or have. Tinder tells us there are infinite options for partners, Instagram says everyone else is living their best life, Spotify promises an endless stream of new music. In this way we are programed to consume, to casually dismiss what we are presented with in favor of spinning the roulette wheel and landing on something better.
But value is defined by the one who possesses, and given that an item possessed dissolves the desire to acquire it, the item often loses its value. This may seem contradictory to the economically minded who may cite the endowment effect which describes ownership as influencing the individual’s inclination to retain acquired items. However, just because you wish to retain something, does not mean you value it. Many emotions may fuel desire such as jealousy, anger, or even fear.
What a curious trick then, that the mind has developed a way to appease jealousy by holding a partner prisoner to a relationship that long lost its value; to quiet the fear of failure by remaining at a job which takes more than it provides; or to meet anger with a desire to see others suffer ill fate. Desire is the subconscious control mechanism of our modern society, the means of leading the masses by the nose in a never ending circle of consumption.
As is always my emphasis, the first step in taking back control is self-awareness. Where do your desires trace to? What are you holding onto out of a misplaced sense of desire? Did you want something, get it, and now are resolved to retain it out of stubborn persistence? Are you in dogged pursuit of a person, a status, or a possession which will somehow change your life? If your goals, or your wants, revolve around recreating a prior feeling through obtaining an outside stimulus, then it might be wise to question that cycle.
My struggle has always been how to reconcile the awareness of infinite potential with the reality of a consistent routine which is necessary to produce any meaningful result. I suppose there is a fundamental shift which I should acknowledge, I have tried to emphasize creation over consumption, this blog is evidence. But what am I creating? In my quest to fulfill the seemingly endless desire for novelty, to produce options for my perusal, I have abandoned very meaningful parts of my life. I succeeded in freeing myself from responsibilities, to set sail on the ocean of potential, and have simply found myself locked in a prison of my own desires.
I have no regrets, I understand the person and the judgment which produced the choices I have made. I do question the wisdom of that person, of his judgment, and I wonder if fate will reward me with anything comparable to the life I have lived thus far. If this were it, if life never returned to the way it was and simply remained as it is, would this sustain me?
It must, I must mine the world for the warmth I seek. If luck is opportunity meeting preparedness, then I must prepare. I must apply myself to the world around, to water the tree of life and hope to encounter others with similar pursuits. I can’t seem to help desiring someone to share the journey with, I know it’s not necessary, and I’ve gotten along well enough on my own, but the want remains all the same.
I try to listen for the source, to understand if I can dismiss the feeling using rationality. It matters not, the feeling persists in spite of my inner monologue. I battle with releasing my expectations of the world while preserving my pursuit of adventure.
Perhaps it is the knowledge of understanding what could be, long suppressed in defense of my sanity, which was recently drawn to the surface. It transcends mere consumption and superficial impulses. Does it deserve my attention and effort or do I let it slowly fade back into obscurity?
We will always desire. Once superficial baser desires are either fulfilled or dismissed, deeper more fundamental wants will reveal themselves. It’s here where I presently toil, trying to divine the source and its sincerity, to reconcile it against my values. For it would be reprehensible to pull another person into my indecision, only to ultimately decide against the pursuit. I’ve done this in the past, causing myself and others emotional turmoil in the process. There simply is nothing casual about interpersonal relationships since any meaningful dynamic is formed on vulnerability.
Perhaps the casual pursuit, the freedoms I’ve pursued have been the lie. Maybe the truth is that I seek someone of equal measure in values and life objectives. I’ll let you know if I run into them, the ocean I’m sailing seems infinitely large and sparsely populated. Until then, I prepare.
