Who are you?
- Are you your job?
- Are you a husband/wife?
- Are you your hobbies?
- Are you your political affiliation?
- … what you wear?
- … what you drive?
Unfortunately, not many people stop to consider how they see themselves. The concept of self-image is one of the most critical foundational concepts we can consider. Early in life, people identify behaviors and ego supplements which provide them a sense of security and confidence. They may use comedy to deflect judgment and win the favor of their peers. Perhaps artistic skill or name brand clothes offer similar insulation from social pressures. Once this defense mechanism is formed, an identity is selected unconsciously that aligns and reinforces that defensive action.
Not every class clown becomes a comedian and not every high school quarterback gets drafted to the NFL. So, it’s reasonable to assume that these defense mechanisms shift for some people outside of adolescence. Perhaps the first meaningful job that a person works at makes such an impression that they adopt this as their career and incorporate it into their sense of self. Maybe a social circle, an addictive substance, or a romantic partner provide a framework for their budding identity. The concern I might offer, is that these adopted identifiers become very sticky and can dictate the course of our lives.
This leads to a risk of having an overly concentrated sense of identity. Those who define themselves through a single dimension; parent, husband, employee, athlete, etc are at great risk of crippling existential compromise should that label be questioned. No person is a single thing, but there is certainly comfort and simplicity in being able to retract into an unambiguous caricature of what we could be. There exists room within us all to be diverse and well rounded, however, it’s a challenge to retain a grasp on your individual diversity. Further complicating this is that the identity is such an abstract concept and so philosophical sounding that most people don’t stop to consider it in depth.
So based on this I will assume that most individuals don’t routinely consider their self-identity and that people will generally gravitate towards adopting identities that correspond with their duties and/or activities in life. So what happens when you lose touch with the behaviors that ground your reality? Your kids start to become more independent, your work projects dry up, a nagging injury keeps you out of the gym. A storm begins to form, a tugging feeling at the back of your mind. If things return to normal relatively quickly, then you never even knew you were fighting off a mental head cold but if they don’t, then it can form into full blown cognitive dissonance.
This is the drift between what you have adopted as your identity and the reality you’re living each day. It can manifest as despair, aggression, lack of energy, escapism, or any number of remedial behaviors. The mind seeks to close the gap, it wants to reconcile the drifting reality with your belief about who you are. More worryingly, your mind may begin to doubt or alter your identity to conform to your new found reality, after all, the human organism is a creature of adaptation.
This is where self-doubt may creep in and self-sabotage is close behind if the dissonance endures. You may begin to think that your kids don’t need you and maybe don’t love you. Maybe you’re not an athlete or physically fit or you’re not a successful business person or entrepreneur. You begin to reject your own labels so you sabotage your success by pushing loved ones away, calling in sick, or making compromises in your diet. Maybe you pick up older unproductive habits, you quit a new job or go back to an old one. Slowly but surely this path could provide an outcome that validates your feeling that you’re not enough, that you don’t deserve love, respect, success.
But this is not the only path to rectify the drift, you need not sacrifice yourself. Some among us are skilled at seeking out opportunities to reaffirm their identity. Perhaps you find parental interaction with grandchildren, find physical activity in a way that avoids your injury, or put together a work project that leverages your skills and interests. This might very well offer a sustainable means of self-regulation for a while or forever depending on the nature of your adopted labels, but it’s still not ideal. The labels we adopt are simply an outward expression of something much more stable, our values.
When a choice is made based on well considered values, rarely does the decision bring regret. This doesn’t have to be complicated, children are often very insightful at representing our values because they don’t mince words. Would you rather make be honest or dishonest, be responsible for your actions or shirk responsibility, etc. We lose track of our values because daily task work doesn’t seem to call upon them. We are presented with a choice and it seems rather transactional to simply pick a path. In cases where we’ve drifted and are potentially emotionally compromised, the choice skews heavily in one direction. We must acknowledge that we have a choice, which endows us the power and responsibility to consider our actions.
Next, we should consider and determine what we value or what our ideal outcome would be. Given the option of choosing between a healthy meal and an indulgent one, where do our values point us to. Not, what do I feel like eating right now, feelings are fleeting and based on emotion which often times can be at odds with our long term aspirations. Consider what your ideals are and proceed according to those. For me, values of honesty, integrity, independence, respect, family, good health, and courage help ground my daily life. When I’m confronted with a choice, I filter it through these values to offer guidance to the choice that fits my core principles.
We are our ideals and values, not what we do from one minute to the next. Root yourself in firm ground, question and understand where the pillars of your heart and mind trace to. Whatever you aspire to, where ever you’re trying to go, getting “there” is a reflection of having already committed to being “that person” a long time ago. Resolve to understand the principles that truly matter to you and your goals. Be unconcerned with the passing of individual days, trivial concerns, and the superficial drama of modern life.
Do not attach yourself to labels so conveniently collected. Life, and the world, are full of infinite possibility, placing yourself in a box will only keep you from experiencing it. If you follow your principles and unbind yourself from limiting beliefs, you can avoid the drift and tackle whatever life presents.
