2021 was my most challenging professional year. Confronted with at first the potential, then the certainty, of losing my job after 12 years brought emotional struggle I’d not felt from my career quite as acutely. This wasn’t the first time I faced being downsized but was certainly the most urgent.
Prologue
The full circumstances of my 2021 crescendo actually start a bit earlier, perhaps in 2017 or so. Up to that point, my career had been spent in a single department of a single division of my company. My network, skills, and experience all related to a type of finance specific work keeping my marketability and options limited. The field wasn’t something I chose with intention or a grand design, it was a path of least resistance which gave me a foothold on a middle class life.
Craving a seat at the larger table, a more meaningful role within our larger Enterprise and the higher rewards it might bring, I had long aspired to breach the confines of my department and division. Lacking diverse work experience, advanced education, or relationships beyond our borders kept me trapped. In 2014 I got a chance to get out of a production environment and into an analyst role. With time, I proved myself a capable analyst and taught myself risk management methodologies which I applied in turn.
By 2017 I had built a first line oversight program from scratch which helped ensure compliance for our little department. It proved to be a fruitful sandbox for my development allowing me latitude to take on responsibilities far beyond what would have been possible in a more structured business. As our division continued to suffer challenges and recoveries were clumsy, I narrowly survived a restructure which saw my entire peer group reassigned. When a respected coworker suggested I would make a competent Auditor, my mind lit up with the possibilities.
My quest began there with me pursuing education and work experience to demonstrate my suitability for the role. After that it took over a year of applying and interviewing with Managers, Auditors and AVPs before I met the right opportunity and found a new path with Internal Audit in 2019. Still skeptical about my division’s longevity, the hope was to put distance between my career and the pull of that prior business. While I had climbed from first line oversight to third line, my new role still aligned to the prior division.
Bolstered by a better paying job with more marketable skills, I had finally escaped the looming fear of divisional failure which had concerned me so long. I bought my first rental property investment of which I took residence in one unit. I built for myself a sanctuary in the first place I had lived which I could claim as my own. But my new found contentment and stability which I hoped to build upon were short lived.
At the end of 2019 my company announced the closure of my prior division to which I was still aligned. Uncertainty returned in force when my new department indicated as a result that we would be re-evaluating our own structure. Just a few weeks later in 2020, we were asked to work from home for a couple weeks while the company evaluated the impact of COVID. It seemed like a novelty in contrast to the real pressing concerns about our jobs. Would we have a job and how soon would we know? Had I jumped from one pan into another?
I spent the summer cooped up living my hermit dream retrofitting my basement bar into a home office, enjoying spontaneous walks in the yard, and working on rebuilding my car. Months passed and as summer closed I had painted and reassembled cars for both me and my brother yet no answers on our fates emerged. I had not traveled, not been social, not been consistently keeping a balanced weekly practice. The routines and skills I nurtured to keep me growing and improving at a steady rate had languished in favor of my natural tendency to focus on singular projects in full.
It was around Christmas 2020 when we finally got some firm results from the study of our departmental structure. The news flattened me, cuts were aggressive to the degree that my prior blind optimism evaporated before my eyes. As a keen practitioner of self-awareness, I felt I had a pretty good notion of where I fit within the hierarchy of my peers and when I reconciled that against the news, I concluded my odds of keeping a job were not great. Thus began my 2021, learning that after being validated in 2020 as worthy of a legitimate career beyond my division, of finally escaping its clutches, that I likely wouldn’t get to hold the seat more than a year before being discharged anyway.
Enter 2021
Despair followed quickly accompanied by anger and resentment. All masked fear which ruled supreme in the face of having to find work outside in the world beyond my existing company. It was too soon, I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t had time to cultivate experience or qualifications I declared to myself. Sure I always knew it was a possibility, I sought this path to offer me industry level marketability as insulation against unemployment but I simply hadn’t cultivated enough credibility to work my way into a lateral seat with another large firm. After a few days of self-pity, I was over it and determined I would feast at the work which remained to pack my resume as much as possible.
After living with fear and doubt through 2020 and having it intensified even further just getting into 2021, I was absolutely sick of the control it wielded on my life and decisions. I decided not to pay it so much mind and start pursuing life on my own terms. I resumed shopping for new rental property which I had previously deferred due to the job situation, I assembled a resume and started looking for work elsewhere, I dropped resentments and busted ass at work regardless the outcome. I had to confront the reality that there is always risk of loss with everything we pursue, we normally just obstinately refuse to acknowledge it because of the paralyzing influence it wields.
Things escalated from here as I found a fetching property in March on which my offer was accepted. Suddenly I was closing on a second rental property while waiting any day to learn if I was actually selected to be a part of the new departmental structure, i.e. have a job. The following week I got that news, I was not to be part of the new IA and would have only a matter of weeks before being unemployed for the first time in 13 years. This was a turning point because to this date, I had not been actively applying for jobs as I refused to self-select out of a job I worked so hard to get which I was so well suited for.
Fate had checked my optimism and laughed so I quickly started applying for internal and external jobs given I needed some form of employment to facilitate the closing on my next property purchase in 4 weeks. My job inquiries were met with mixed results but I did score a few interviews boosting spirits a bit. On account of my composure and exceptional results from work during the first quarter, I had made an impression on my existing leadership and when a seat in the new structure went unfilled, I applied for it. I was offered the job, my old job in the new structure effectively, and I quickly accepted withdrawing my contention for other roles.
During March 2021 I went from uncertainty about my career, going under contract for a house, finding out I would be let go in 9 weeks, dreaming about big salaries working remotely for other companies, interviewing for jobs well outside my prior pursuits, and ultimately interviewing for and getting offered the same job I was doing. I toiled with the decision, having been so disenfranchised by my experience with this company who every few years during my career seemed compelled to test the resilience of its staff through a culling called a restructure. The emotional whiplash was nauseating.
I had fully leaned into the notion of working somewhere else, had slowly started to break my identity away from my job, had opened myself to the infinite possibilities of the world. In the end, I kept the job out of pragmatism given it offered me continuity of employment and time to craft more intentional departure if I still chose to leave instead of having to leap without a parachute as had been the case while racing towards the cliff of unemployment.
The Unexpected Gift of Hard Work
In April I started my “new” job and closed on the new investment property. I took a breath for the first time in a long while. Thanks to a tenant who claimed to be sick, I wasn’t able to view the downstairs unit of the new property until after the closing. Once the prior tenant had vacated I found a more likely reason for my lack of access to the unit, it was a dump. While the upstairs unit had been well appointed, likely when it was retrofitted as a separate unit, the downstairs contrasted heavily. It might have been remodeled in the 80s or early 90s but had not aged well. Water damage and cheap repairs produced a nightmarish result for a person who was not interested in remodeling work.
I worked with business partners to get quotes on remodeling the unit ultimately deciding to split the work between myself and contractors. I took on what I though was modest portions of work given my available time, equipment, and prior experience. I started in May visiting the property a couple times a week for a few hours at a time. My timeline was not urgent and I relished an opportunity to be industrious, learn new skills, and buy tools. But then things escalated…
Plugging in 8-10 hours per week through May and June yielded modest progress and it became apparent how incredibly time intensive home remodeling can be. Specific recollection isn’t possible as it’s all blurring together at this point but my visits to the property became more frequent and longer in duration. At the peak I logged off work each day and promptly went to the rental where I spent the full evening. Weekends were largely spent there as well given longer stretches of time were valuable for projects that I wouldn’t want to split up over days.
The house ate money consistently as I frequently visited home stores for supplies and tools. I was now confronted with a wholly new type of stress compared to earlier in the year, I was physically exhausted, banged up, bleeding money, working full time at the job I fought tooth and nail to keep while plugging 50 hours a week into the physical work of this rental remodel. It was humbling to frame it charitably.
What kept me sane, gave me hope, lifted my spirits, and gave me life long memories is how my family showed up to support me. As things had escalated, my Dad had offered to help until eventually he was showing up every night to work alongside me. In the end, his hour count rivaled my own. He taught me skills and tricks, helped wrangle bigger jobs, got dirty and cut up, offered support and solidarity. It was not generally fun work and while we often found pride in our results, the path to those results was filled with struggle.
In the fall, we raced towards a deadline where our first tenant would move into the property. A date which had seemed reasonably distanced when we set it months ago now loomed with an incredible amount of work remaining. Not only did the unit require floor to ceiling paint, cabinet reassembly, and conclusion of a bathroom remodel, it needed furniture! This is where my Mom and siblings really showed up, taking on smaller task work and plugging in some considerable hours at the time of most need. We managed to finish the remodel work just a couple days before the tenant was to move in with only a day to furnish the unit.
Given the tools and practice I had accumulated over the summer, my natural next step was to remodel my personal unit given it was a bit dated when I moved in. A glutton for punishment it seems, I again set off to update the kitchen and complete a full paint job as quickly as possible. My family stepped up again to help although the pressure and intensity were far less demanding. Two years after buying and moving into my unit, it finally resembled a place suiting my tastes.
It was an incredible amount of pride and satisfaction for what we had produced as amateurs taking on our first such work.
The Value of Great Partners
Drained and beat up, I finally rested with the rental unit under the care of trusted property managers. A couple weeks later I discovered just how lucky I was to have such worthy business partners. They showed me video of the first tenant who by all accounts appeared to be a scam artist. Upon arrival to the unit, he instantly began finding issues to complain about, complaints which persisted for a couple hours after his arrival. Now you may be thinking, “you just told the story about how you remodeled this unit as an amateur, you likely did a poor job”. You’ll just have to take me at my word that the complaints offered were not in good faith nor were they founded.
My property managers were forced to involve the Police in the removal of this first tenant thankfully avoiding my involvement until they could recount the story and show me the video later. I’m sure if I’d have been forced to handle the incident, it would have broken me given all the energy I’d poured into the remodel. I’ve had no such tenants since and the property has performed well through the end of the year thankfully.
Lessons
I took on less of a burden through the rest of the year, capping my relaxation with a two week at home vacation in December. The contrast between how I started and how I finished the year could not be more extreme. Reflecting on the journey I took teaches me so many lessons which I’ll try to summarize.
- Uncertainty is the way of life, we never know where a path will take us or how things will play out and clinging to expectations will not change that. There is only now and the information you have now, use it to make the best decision about how to proceed at this moment. This year I confronted uncertainty and I chose to invest my time and energy into building something valuable instead of letting uncertainty breed fear and doubt.
- Fear is not a constructive force, it does not tell you where to go or what to do, it can only restrict your choices and movement. As a survival instinct, it is useful, pay it heed when the path is treacherous but not so much that you fail to move. This year I confronted fear and decided it was not a good reason to delay doing the things I needed to produce a prosperous future.
- Life is best lived in a balance of routines that nurture all aspects of health. In the extreme demands I’ve endured this year I devoted myself entirely to specific endeavors at several points. This is not healthy or sustainable. Following these projects, I’ve resumed social, physical, professional, and familial routines which keep me much more fulfilled, contented, and growing.
- Meaningful progress beyond the status quo requires sacrifice of what many consider “leisure” time. Obvious to some and heresy to others, the time you have outside of a normal job is the time you’ll have to dig into if you want more than that regular job. This year I was forced to devote all leisure time as well as self-care time and it was not recommended. Find a balanced amount of time you can devote to furthering your life without cutting into time you should use to take care of yourself.
- Doing what you want is not always what’s best for you. The mindless pursuit of hedonistic dopamine hits rarely produces lasting constructive outcomes. Just about any activity or consumption can constitute a wonderful distraction from the drudgery of daily routine but if it’s not something you’re actively pursuing as a profession or creative endeavor then you should monitor and control how much time you invest into it. Much energy and time is squandered on the mindless consumption of TV, movies, video games and the like. Given our culture and my fondness for these, I expect I’ll always have challenges here.
- Your expectations are not reality. It is tempting to try to predict how the world will perceive us or if our efforts will be received by those we intend but this is futile. You can only bring the value of your authentic self to bear. Trying to anticipate and produce what is expected of you will only lead to failure because you have lost sight of what you have to offer. This year my sense of self was challenged but because I had done the work to understand who I am I was able to navigate the ambiguity of an unstable future using my skills, experience, and energy to bring value to by work and community.
- Just because you conquered one challenge doesn’t mean you’re done. In fact, if you consistently pursue constructive outcomes, challenges will be a fact of life. This year I relished in the pursuit of new and diverse objectives each bringing a series of diverse challenges. In the event I don’t face some type of meaningful challenge in the future, it will be a cue that I’m likely not being ambitious enough and I need to step it up.
- The world doesn’t care how hard you work or how important something is to you. The only sway you have is the value you bring to others. If that value is more scarce and more meaningful, then you will be rewarded more handsomely for it. This year I was forced to invest considerable effort beyond what I’ve historically produced at work or on side projects not because someone told me to, but because I knew I was capable of it and that it would bring value to others and me in turn. Taking ambitious leaps at work in the first quarter and then on the house through the middle of the year are the only reason I kept my job and turned my new property into a profitable addition to my life.